talkswithwind: Carol Danvers (Captain Marvel) getting her zappy-zappy on (CarolZap)
[personal profile] talkswithwind
I've mentioned several times that I started questioning my gender identity in the wake of realizing I wasn't straight. There were a couple weeks of deep introspection after that realization, and it was during that introspection that I noticed something in my attractiveness reactions.

When having OMG-Hot reactions towards girls, there was a frisson of something at the end. My introspection revealed that the frisson was ennui over not being able to match that level of hotness.

Hm, interesting. Maybe... I'm not all male? Does my attraction to boys possibly stem from that female part of me? Must think on this.
22 years later, and I have the answers to that:

Yes.

Yes, my attraction to men does indeed source from a decidedly feminine part of me. Sexual desire towards men doesn't hit me very often at all; but when it does, it includes fantasies involving parts I don't have. If the homina reaction hits me hard enough it can cause my body-map to flip for a little while, which is something I usually try to avoid.

My reaction towards women has moderated as I've left the ravages of puberty way behind me. I don't get stuck at a loss for words, I've had far more practice staying verbal around striking women than I have striking men so I'm better at it. I no longer get the ennui; instead I analyze the look to see if it's something I could possibly pull off (usually: no).

Aaaand the little, "I wish I could look that good," is still there. This is the beauty myth coming to smack me around, the trick is not letting it win.

Anyway.

What caused this bit of introspection is romance novels. You see, the novel-thing I just finished has a lot of romance components in it, and I enjoyed the hell out of writing the romance bits. Like, that was some of the best parts of the book enjoyed. The primary couple was F/F, and so I started looking into F/F romances, found them, read a few, and OMG this is awesome stuff. M/F is OK and all, but doesn't grab me all that well. F/F? Where have you been?

Hiding behind the entirely self-induced stigma of men enjoying F/F in their porn, that's where

*** HOT LESBIAN SEX!!! ***

I didn't want to be one of them.

I have gotten over myself now. The women-created stories tend to be not in any way exploitative, unlike the ***HLS*** I was fearing, and ran into during the height of the Usenet era. This is good stuff, and scratches an itch I only sort of knew was there.  The more I read, the more comfortable I am with the romance I just wrote (and am taking notes for the rewrite, since I missed a few beats).

I'm eager for story recommendations, by the way.

Writing about relationships in all of their complexity is fun. Which means I'm looking into my own relationships (and fantasy relationships) for ideas and inspiration. I yielded a few refined insights along the way.

This turned a bit rambly, but there you are.

 
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talkswithwind

December 2016

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