People I read

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/04/what-dysfunctional-behavior-has-a-toxic-office-driven-you-to.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=35950

It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:

Luckily no one in my office is biting anyone, but my formerly pretty-good job has devolved into a toxic mess.

I found myself pressing my ear against my wall to try and glean basic (not sensitive or confidential) information I needed to do my job by eavesdropping on a conversation next door. My officemate wasn’t ruffled; instead he grabbed a glass to better hear it, because that was a reasonable reaction to the situation we are in.

Obviously we need to get the hell out, and we’re working on it.

But in the meantime, I’d love to hear readers share their own behavior that made perfect sense in the context of their office dysfunction … and would be horrifying anywhere else. (And advice on keeping your “normal meter” calibrated among that level of chaos is extremely welcome.)

Readers, this is your moment! What dysfunctional behavior did a toxic office drive you to after warping your normal meter?

And some related advice:

does sharing strategies for dealing with toxic workplaces normalize bad jobs?

are you haunted by your last bad job?

how can I brace myself for my toxic new job?

The post what dysfunctional behavior has a toxic office driven you to? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/04/what-dysfunctional-behavior-has-a-toxic-office-driven-you-to.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=35950

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/04/company-said-i-could-move-and-then-changed-their-mind-how-do-i-lean-out-of-our-dei-work-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37667

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Company said I could move after my husband took a new job and now they won’t let me

I work for a large corporation with a Remote First policy, and compensation is location-based with three tiers. While their policy says permanent relocations must be approved, there is no employee-facing material that says relocation is not allowed up a tier. For example, there is nothing saying someone in a lower cost of living city (Tier 3) who needs to move to a high cost of living city (Tier 1) will not be approved.

My husband applied for and got a job in a Tier 1 location. He flew out to start the job (his start date was four days after the offer). I immediately told my managers, and they said they didn’t anticipate an issue so we prepared to move to the new location.

 I’ve been with the company for five years, am a top performer, and have won several awards for performance. My direct managers and the org manager approved the move, but last week I learned that the upper leadership have not, due to a policy of not approving moves up location-based pay tiers. My managers had never even heard of this policy. My husband had already accepted the job, started work, came back to help me pack, and the day before all our items were to be shipped across the country we got this news.

I have appealed the decision and my managers have outlined the business cases for me staying to leadership. But as it stands right now, I have 90 days where I can work from a non-home location but after that I’ll have to quit or be terminated. I asked HR if I could remain at my Tier 3 salary through the next review cycle (as I realize that budgets have been allocated, etc.) but that was denied since remaining at a different salary tier in a new location is not “company policy.”

I’m at my wits’ end. My husband has been out of work since Covid, this is an amazing opportunity, and he has already accepted the job. We can’t live in the new area without both of our salaries. I was definitely not expecting to lose my job because I moved, and I’m terrified of looking for a job in this market.

I’m currently going back home alone to try to buy as much time before my 90 days starts. My husband wants me to get a lawyer, but I don’t know if I have a case or if a lawyer could do anything since I’ve not been fired yet. My job is extremely specialized and I’m very happy in my current position and I just don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry, this is a mess. If your company promotes itself as “remote first” organization, they need to be much clearer with employees about what restrictions they have on that. If you can’t move to a location with a higher pay tier than your current one, it’s ridiculous that they haven’t proactively told people; their lack of transparency is what led to this, and it would have been so easy for them to avoid it.

Are you able to tell your company that you’re going to stay where you are? Whether or not you really do plan to stay there long-term, telling them that would presumably stop the 90-day clock from ticking and buy you and your husband some time to decide what you want to do, which could include living in separate locations until one of you can move to the other, you looking for a job out there, or him coming back (basically returning to the situation from before he got the job, which would be brutal but is an option). But your company sucks for putting you in this position and not being willing to make an exception considering the circumstances, and particularly when you’d been told by multiple managers that it would be fine.

2. How do I lean out of my company’s DEI work?

I’m a boomerang at my current company (meaning I left but have now returned). When I was previously employed here, I ended up leading our women’s ERG, as well as leading or being a critical stakeholder in a variety of DEI-related groups and activities. Ultimately, despite doing this work for several years, and passing the baton to capable passionate folks when I left, many of the key metrics related to increasing diversity at all levels but particularly in management have not changed or have changed for the worse. Ultimately, I have come to believe that the many extra hours of unpaid labor my colleagues and I contributed did little more than create good press for the firm. I think that if the firm is committed to the goals it ostensibly signed on to, then such efforts need to come from the top and include real numeric goals in hiring and promoting, along with resources for professional development, none of which were ever really forthcoming.

Now that I’m returning, I’m more interested in pursuing social justice goals outside the firm with organizations that demonstrate real commitment and effectiveness in their efforts. I know as part of our upcoming goal-setting conversation, I’m going to be encouraged to take up some of my old work and I absolutely won’t. We have volunteer PTO hours available, which I am happy to use for outside-the-office work. How do I thread this needle in conversations with my grandboss, who also happened to be the exec sponsor of the ERG I used to lead? (Honestly, I think my company has no business or claim on this stuff but I need to check a box, so…)

If you’re asked to pick up that work again: “Oh, thanks for offering, but I’m not interested in stepping back into it again.” If you want, you can add, “I’d like to leave it with whoever has been handling it or give someone new a chance to take it on.” If you’re pressed about why, feel free to say, “I’ve realized that work needs to come from the top of a firm and people at lower levels aren’t well positioned to do it.” If pressed anyway: “I feel strongly about it, so I’m going to pass.” If you want you can add, “It’s something I work on a lot outside of work and I don’t want it to become part of my job here as well.”

3. Can I suggest my difficult boss get more emotional support?

I have a question about a boss who I don’t really like, but I also think he’s not a bad person so I don’t want anything bad to happen to him.

I work in a law firm, and this guy is one of the salaried partners. He has bullied a couple of people out of the team, but always been very respectful to me. Even so, because of his behavior to others, I’m not a fan. He has always been a bit unreliable — there is not a single time he has gone on a business trip or holiday when I have been told in advance and had a plan. Every time, he just disappears, and then there are timezone issues that neither I nor the client were prepared for. But, by and large he has kept up with work and I’ve had a decent time learning from him.

Recently, he has dropped the ball SO BADLY. Clients are complaining and he is continuing to disappear without warning, but he’s managing it even worse than he previously did. He is failing to turn up to calls that he’s said he’ll attend. I know he is going through a divorce, although that’s been going on for eight months now, and it’s only recently that he’s gotten really bad.

I hate the way that he is affecting junior staff, and I have been communicating with management accordingly. However, I am also worried about him. I might not like him, but I don’t think he’s a bad person, and I think this really AWOL behavior is pretty worrisome, even taking into account his usual behavior. I think he is a typically manly man who has not considered the resources available for mental health issues. Is there any way I can check in with him, and offer him some judgment free support, without being inappropriate?

You’re not the person best positioned to do that. His partners or other senior members of the firm are. You are positioned to do the piece that you’re already doing (communicating with management about what’s happening). You could certainly suggest to one of them (perhaps that most empathetic-seeming among them) that he might benefit from a nudge toward some support, but beyond that you’re just not well placed to do it. (It’s not that it would always be impossible to suggest that to someone with more power than you, but typically if you had that kind of rapport that would make it natural, you’d already know it.)

4. When employers say “we’ll keep your resume on file,” will they actually look at it again?

Do employers look at past resume submissions when a new job opens, or do they just look through the new submissions? Does “having a resume on file” actually mean anything?

It varies. Some companies say it as part of their boilerplate rejection letters when the chances of them ever contacting you again are low. But other companies do look through past applicants when they have new openings, particularly for hard-to-fill roles and particularly when they need to hire again soon after a similar role just closed. People do get contacted by companies for openings they might be well matched with after previously being rejected. You just can’t really tell from the outside how likely it is. Either way, there’s no point in reading much into it, and if you see an opening there in the future that you’re interested in, proactively apply — don’t assume they’ll contact you.

Related:
does “we’ll keep your resume on file” really mean anything?

5. Can I ask for more pay in lieu of benefits?

When I was looking for my first job out of college, a mentor suggested I negotiate for higher pay since I was under 26 and could still be on my parents’ health insurance. I actually did need health insurance, and in fact it was the primary reason I was looking for a job, so I did not take this advice, but I’ve always had it in the back of my head.

I got married in the past year and am now on my spouse’s (far superior) benefits. I’m wondering if it would be wildly out of touch to try to negotiate a raise in lieu of benefits now, or if that’s something that can only be done when starting a job. (Or is it even something one can reasonably do when starting a job?)

Factors to consider: This is a relatively small company (fewer than 50 people). Our industry is having a tough time, largely due to current administration issues. Raises last year were paltry, though honestly I was surprised to be getting one at all. I’ve never negotiated salary before. Our raises are calculated at one (fairly arbitrary) point in the year, and they’ve always been presented as, “This is what you’re getting this year.” Maybe some people negotiate within that, but I never have felt like that was an option. I’m a high performer and fairly senior, and have been here for more than five years.

You can ask! Some companies will do this and some won’t. Typically if they do, it’s done as a separate line item in your benefits, not just added to your salary (because if your situation changes in the future and you do need to start using their insurance, they don’t want you to feel like you’re getting a pay cut), so you wouldn’t frame it as a raise — just something like, “Would the company consider offering a stipend or credit for not using the company health insurance, since that saves us money?”

The post company said I could move and then changed their mind, how do I lean out of our DEI work, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/04/company-said-i-could-move-and-then-changed-their-mind-how-do-i-lean-out-of-our-dei-work-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37667