20 odd years later, I was right

[talkswithwind]

I've mentioned several times that I started questioning my gender identity in the wake of realizing I wasn't straight. There were a couple weeks of deep introspection after that realization, and it was during that introspection that I noticed something in my attractiveness reactions.

When having OMG-Hot reactions towards girls, there was a frisson of something at the end. My introspection revealed that the frisson was ennui over not being able to match that level of hotness.

Hm, interesting. Maybe... I'm not all male? Does my attraction to boys possibly stem from that female part of me? Must think on this.

22 years later, and I have the answers to that:

Yes.

Yes, my attraction to men does indeed source from a decidedly feminine part of me. Sexual desire towards men doesn't hit me very often at all; but when it does, it includes fantasies involving parts I don't have. If the homina reaction hits me hard enough it can cause my body-map to flip for a little while, which is something I usually try to avoid.

My reaction towards women has moderated as I've left the ravages of puberty way behind me. I don't get stuck at a loss for words, I've had far more practice staying verbal around striking women than I have striking men so I'm better at it. I no longer get the ennui; instead I analyze the look to see if it's something I could possibly pull off (usually: no).

Aaaand the little, "I wish I could look that good," is still there. This is the beauty myth coming to smack me around, the trick is not letting it win.

Anyway.

What caused this bit of introspection is romance novels. You see, the novel-thing I just finished has a lot of romance components in it, and I enjoyed the hell out of writing the romance bits. Like, that was some of the best parts of the book enjoyed. The primary couple was F/F, and so I started looking into F/F romances, found them, read a few, and OMG this is awesome stuff. M/F is OK and all, but doesn't grab me all that well. F/F? Where have you been?

Hiding behind the entirely self-induced stigma of men enjoying F/F in their porn, that's where

*** HOT LESBIAN SEX!!! ***
I didn't want to be one of them.

I have gotten over myself now. The women-created stories tend to be not in any way exploitative, unlike the ***HLS*** I was fearing, and ran into during the height of the Usenet era. This is good stuff, and scratches an itch I only sort of knew was there.  The more I read, the more comfortable I am with the romance I just wrote (and am taking notes for the rewrite, since I missed a few beats).

I'm eager for story recommendations, by the way.

Writing about relationships in all of their complexity is fun. Which means I'm looking into my own relationships (and fantasy relationships) for ideas and inspiration. I yielded a few refined insights along the way.

This turned a bit rambly, but there you are.

 

Comments

[quoththeravyn]

This. Yes.

I realized a while ago now that a lot of what I was feeling around an attractive woman was not so much wanting to be *with* her as wanting to *be* her. Which wigged me out enough that it took years to process.

The body-remap thing you mention happens to me as well; I just kinda go with it: another way of being me in the world, with technicolor genders. Sometimes it makes me wistful.

And writing romantic fiction really is a way of expressing all this. Reading, too, of course.

[talkswithwind]

The wigging took me through summer vacation between Jr and Sr year in HS, and sure as heck made most of senior year interesting. Then it receded to a background thing I tried not to think about too often (but still did). It took me, oh, 10ish years before I did anything material. I don't count growing my hair out, as that decision happened three months before the Great Realization.

I've had a bit of a rethink regarding which market I might try selling stories into. I've been a hard-core SF/F kind of person, but lately... may have to change my mind on that.

[quoththeravyn]

I also really like the body-remap words you wrote. The closest I've come to describing this in words is "genderfluid" which seems to mean a lot of different things to different people. But for me, at least, sometimes the bod seems female for an hour or two, and then back again, depending.

As a friend of mine remarked once (in very different circumstances), "It all depends, of course, upon whether or not it depends or not, of course, if you take my meaning."

"It" in this case being my gender identity.

What a cool conversation. Thanks for writing this.

[talkswithwind]

"Body map" comes from neural map, which came from some stuff I read about missing limb syndrome. The brain still has that part, it just isn't actually there. Kind of like the breasts I've never had but can occasionally feel anyway :P. I'm glad you liked it!

For me the switches come in different intensities. At the far end it only lasts for a few moments since that brings on straight up dysphoria and I hate that, so try to reset my head. The less intense varieties aren't disturbing and I just go with the flow.